BHM- days 6 and 7- falling down the rabbit hole | trixiegirl's Blog

Sat-the 4th of July: definately some fireworks of a different variety. 

He worked 7-3.  Comes home to say he has to go in an hour earlier tomorrow, but we will still watch fireworks, blah, blah, blah....  Till this point I am on track... drinking water, having a protien shake, just relaxing in the sun reading a book.  Sooo, I make dinner- kind of a mock chicken alfredo, except I had no chicken and I used tuna.  (FYI: when ever you use tuna and noodles together, regardless of the other ingredients, it tastes like tuna noodle casserole.)  Anyway- had a regular portion for dinner and 2 pcs of garlic toast.  So far so good.  We settle in and watch a movie.  When the movie is over I decide to run to block buster to trade in our movie for a different one.  It is now about 6:30 pm.  This whole trip will take about 30 minutes.   As I am leaving he tells me he is going to "lay down for a few minutes".  I so know where this is going.... he will be sleeping thru.  I fallen victim to the 10 hour nap too many times.  So, I try to ignore the gut instinct and keep thinking this time will be different.  I get my movie- and even picked up some butterfinger popscicles as a kinda desert/happy times treat.  I get home -he is snoring....I get on line and mess around, he wakes up....yeahhh!!!  *Shoe dropping*  he comes out all bleary eyed (a little exagerated....)and says- don't be mad at me *other shoe dropping*, "since I have to be up by 4 tomorrow, I am just going to go to bed. I say, I guess the fireworks are out then.  Him: ohhhh I forgot all about them, *dragging feet literally in an attempt to look more beaten and pathetic*  I guess I could get dressed and we'll go see them.  I'm thinking- won't that just be a grand time.  And in reality, he had a point.  So of course, I say don't worry about it, go back to bed.  I mean 4 am is early, and we are in our late forties, we're not kids who can deal with 3 hours of sleep.  Inside, I was feeling hurt. These situations always arise, and I have to be the one to "understand".  Well, last night I wanted someone to understand me for a change. So I step up to the rabbit hole *plunges in* and down I went. I figured if I am going to spend a holiday by myself watching a movie I am making a party out of it.  1 Bag micro popcorn-check, rest of dinner noodles-check, 1 butter finger popsicle- check, what the hell let's add another popsicle.  As I type this I can see that given what little I ate during the day, this probably wasn't sooo bad.  And on the plus side- if you want to call it that...is that I made a very conscious decision to have a binge.  Granted not a very wise decision, but a decision made by me none the less.  Soo off to bed- felt a little bloated, but also a little wiser. I know you can't stuff down emotions with food, but I still sometimes feel the need to try..... Also- note to self- always make back up plans........

Sunday- here's where it gets realllly bad...........

He is up at 4, and I hear him on the phone-"was it today or next Sunday you need me in at 4?  Ohh, next sunday- great..*hangs up..pads back to bed* Well. this lit my ass on fire.  I get up and start messing around the house.  Then I start reading my book, he gets up at 5:15, and acts like all is a no big deal.  How can men be soooo stupid.  I mean, just a dopey good morning- no sorry we missed the fireworks-or better yet, sorry I flaked on the fireworks at the last minute.... well, inside I am fuming.  He finally leaves at about 6:10.  Piss on it, I'm eating- yep, I sure did.  I ate the 2 remaining popsicles between 7 and 9 am.  Yep, gross I know.  It was almost like since I had such a sweet thought behind buying them, I damn sure wasn't sharing that thought with him, as that ship has sailed.  I then have 2 pcs of toast and a grilled cheese sandwich-just for good measure.  Well, now I feel like crap- I am sluggish from carb over load, and I recognize that WOW- I don't deal well with anger.  I grew up around alot of YELLING, and I always felt scared, so as a result, it is rare that I yell.  I realize that when I don't yell, again which is most times, I eat.  So right now, while I can still salvage the past 2 weeks, I am scrambling back up the rabbit hole onto solid ground.

Looking back, I can see that I over reacted, and eating is not the answer. I am actually looking into attending Overeater Anon. meetings.  I think I could really benefit from a sponsor/friend who has first hand experience with food issues. It certainly couldn't hurt