A better healthier me-day 1 | trixiegirl's Blog

A couple of weeks ago someone confessed to feeling so "fat".  There was alot of oh your so hot, your not fat at all going on and I found myself getting pissed. Then one of the commenters wanting to be helpful posts something like..."your not fat, if you wanna see fat, look at my photos of my uncle!  Well, you know I had to look, and yep, I was waaayyy fatter than the uncle.  Then I kept thinking, Christ, is that what my nephews are saying about me- hey look at my fat Aunt.?  Do they care that I am kind, generous and love them to bits, or is it all in vain because they see me as Fatty McFatterson?  While I know that the OP really does struggle with body issues,  and I truly mean no ill will toward them,  that night after the see my uncle comment, I found myself lacking compassion.  Lucky for me, I kept my thoughts to myself and refrained from adding my unwanted 2 cents. In addition there were other posts that same night asking about fad diets and weight loss ideas.  Of course all the slim and young people added just excercise and eat less. (not bashing young folks, it's just that a 46 year old metabolism operates differenttly than a 17-20 year old.) 

While loosing weight may be just that easy, for me it always seems to be so much more emotional.  Thru my life I have lost ALOT of weight.  I kinda got that part down.  It's the emotional crap that has me gain it all plus some that is freaking killing me.  I loose 10 pounds over and over.  I have lost 30 and 40 pounds multiple times.  I have even lost 80 and 95 pounds (at different times of course.)  See, I can loose it, I just cant LOOSE it.  Ya dig?

Anyway, I have been pondering all this for several weeks and I finally had an epiphany of sorts.  I have known for quite sometime that I use my fat as a protective wall to keep others away both physically and emotionally.  I realize that after all these years, my fat is kind of a part of who I am.  Like- Trixie the heavy girl with the pretty face.  Or Trixie, the big girl who loves to laugh. So, on to the epiphany....I realized that I needed to break-up with my fat so to speak.  Just like ending an friendship that has become more damaging than good for you.  So I literally said good bye to my hips and thighs, thanks for holding all those child hood resentments for me.  Good bye, belly, thanks for holding all the relationship turmoils for me.  And with that I thanked my hefty body for being a great friend and meeting my needs for me, but I have reached a point that I am ready to deal with all the resentments and turmoils, ( actually. I am just letting those things go, I'm done holding on to crap that is 30 plus years old.) so I am severing all ties with my fat.  I won't be feeding it, nor will I be sitting around on it.

That being said, today I actually excercised for 20 minutes- (this broad worked up a sweat!) drank 2 small bottles of plain water (only 1 diet soda), ate a serving of fruit and a serving of veggies.  And just now I actually counted out the number of crackers in a serving of wheat thins and put the box away.  These may all seem like small things, but I'll tell ya, for me they were huge.  I haven't excersised in allllong time, so 20 minutes was all I could go.  I am shooting for 22 minutes tomorrow.  I have been eating more fast food than I care to admit as well as drinking only diet sodas all day.  So again, this is a big friggin deal for me.  YEAH!

I post this for myself, so I will have some accountability as well as feeling the victory with every accomplishment I can type.  I really believe this will be my last journey through the weight loss jungle.  For, I am finally truly doing this for better health (I have always said that, but never meant it.  I really just wanted to be "Hot") and I have a reasonable goal in mind.  When it is all said and done, I will still be considered a "Plus" size, but I no longer care.   I am gonna rock my curves and kick some ass !