trixiegirl's Blog

 Suffice it to say, this week has not been good.  Well, on the work front, it has been, but on most other fronts, not so much. (I'm eating oreos as I type this, does that help paint a more vivid picture?)

There has been alot happening this week and it got me pretty emotional.  And for me, emotional is synonymous with eating. 

On the plus side, the main cause of my distress will be gone as of Sunday, so if I can just maintain for a little while longer- week 5 will definitely be better.

Things have been a little hectic here, so I didn't get to post yesterday.

We had dinner with his mother and nephews on Sunday night.  I had a crab cake and 2 pieces of veggie pizza-and later we all had a piece of 7-up cake.    We hung out with them for awhile, and got home around 11:30 pm.  I read for a bit and then realized I was hungry at like 1:00 am.  I made a hot dog and watched a movie.  I can't wait to find solid employment.  This wacky schedule- while fun, is wreaking havoc on my system.

Monday- got up around 10:30 had some toast with jelly.  Watched a couple of episodes of Life(great show) and then went to Blockbuster to trade in for new DVD's.  Came home had a sandwich and some chips.  Read my book and had to work for the Lab- Yeah!! Things are picking up.  He called at 5 pm to say he forgot his lunch.  Ran it out to him at about 7 then proceeed to do my lab work.  Got home around 11 pm- and we had dinner.  Chicken alfredo and garlic bread.( Iwent kinda crazy and had 4 pcs of bread!  I did Ok with water intake, but also had alot of diet soda. I didn't get a chance to sweat to the oldies- so that is priority for this evening.

I also, am going to try writing down everything I eat, so I won't be tempted to "neglect" something, plus it helps me pay attention to what I am feeling at the time.  man, this mindless eating is hard work!

As far as yesterday.........spoke too soon.

Ended up going to Blockbuster and getting some DVD's and a King Sized 3 musketeers.  Ate it -all of it, before I was even home.  I don't even know why....wasn't hungry- just bored. I usually don't even take any cash into the store with me, I just switch out my moves.  This trip I dug thru my purse and had money, basically sabatoging myself. (I really am my own worst enemy) Then I got home put in a DVD and made a grilled cheese sandwich and had 4 cookies.  Again-really just bored.  He goes to bed early Fri and Sat nights and I am left to my own devices.  How do you entertain yourself with very little money? I have 1 friend I call alot, but when we go out, what do we do?  Go to eat! So, by myself, I read alot and watch old movies, but I tend to eat in front of the TV.  I really need to find a hobby that engages my hands and my brain.  I'd really like to find a group to join that does things on week-ends.  THat seems to be my toughest time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Today starts off well enough.  I had a bowl of corn flakes with strawberries, and so far I'm cool.  His mother is coming to town all week. (Not staying here-amen- I mean, I like her well enough but........)We are going over to visit at the time share tonight, so I "best get my mind right."  I"ll keep you posted.    *trots off to bang head against wall*

Contrary to yesterday, today I am not really all that hungry.  It's been really hot, so I have had plenty of water.  I did have 1/2 a cheese sandwich for luch, and for dinner I made us gigantic salads.  Lettuce,carrots,tomatos,cukes,mushrooms topped with tuna. It was fabulous.  I do sooo love a great salad.  They can just be a pain in the ass to make.  For desert we had fresh strawberries and 1/2 cup of sugar free ice cream.  Again, delightful!

I have come to realize, that I get more enjoyment and satisfaction from fruits, and vegetables than from things like french fries and cookies.  Now, if I could just figure out, why I don't choose them more!

Firday was pretty typical.  I have however started "that" time, so I was feeling rather hungry all day.  At first I was feeling bad about it, but I kept remebering something that Susan Powter-( Hyper, blonde, stop the insanity chick) used to say.... somedays you  are hungrier than others.  I know it seems so simple, but before she had said it, I never really thought about it, and just always assumed that days I ate more, meant that I was not being "responsible."  Bottom line-  I was hungry, so I ate.  Not crazy calorie ladden junk, but real food.

I had a protien shake for breakfast and for lunch I made BLT sandwiches.  I went light on the bacon, but they were fabulous.  Yes, both of them! Well, one was actually just a tomato sandwich- don't laugh- I love 'em.  Dinner we had Nathan's hot dogs with saurkraut. Yep I had 2!  I was up really late, so of course by 12:30 I was hungry all over, so I had 4 nutter butter cookies and 1/2 a cheese sandwich while I watched a movie. All in all it seemed like alot of food, but I realize we didn't really have "full" meals, so it wasn't so bad. 

It does feel good to seem like I am gaining more understanding of what makes me tick. And even when I "feel" like maybe I haven't had the best of days, I realize I can put a halt to that thinking, and just move on.  Oh,,,, and I did wear my jeans again today, and they are a bit more loose! (Now that's a feeling I'll keep!!)

Last night into this morning I had a bout of stomach "issues."  So I had multiple turns sitting on the porcelin throne.  In fact I spent so much time there I came up for an ad campaign slogan for my issues. - Diarreha: God's free colon cleanse.  Catchy, No?  On the plus side, all the trips to the john really amped up my step count for the day! *whistling....always look on the bright side of life*

As a result of having gurgley gut (my pet name for it), I was not really interested in food.  I did have some veggie pizza for dinner as well as 3 bottles of water for the day.  That was about it.  I did have a long car drive- like 3 hours, so I got myself a large iced  hazlenut coffee to help perk me up.  Well it perked me up in more ways than one.  Note to self- coffee and milk do not sit well on an already upset stomach. 

 While it wasn't a banner day, I did  have a few victorious moments.  The heat had both the man and I a bit edgy doing lawn work, so he said some flip comment, I said something snide blah blah blah... Bottom line- I didn't run to eat. I also got a call regarding my job- it is looking a bit grim...again, didn't eat to dull the angst.  I am feeling much more confident addressing the emotional components behind my eating, which really is what my journey is all about. Ahh, the sweet smell of success.

Yesterday I got a copy of InTouch magazine.  I glanced thru the MJ and FF stories and then say a story about Ruby.  Ruby is a girl who is loosing weight on a reality show.  SHe started at like 700 pounds and is now down to like 350.  They showed pictures of her now that she can wear clothes from Lane Bryant, she looks good and that kind of weight loss is amazing.  But something kept making me look at the pictures.  I couldn't help but think do I look that big?  I wanted to ask my boyfriend, but he can be a bit too honest at the wrong times, so I just kept wondering.

Well, today I did it.  I got dressed and actually looked full on into the mirror.  See, we have a GIANT mirror in the living room, that I never ever ever...make eye contact with.  Bathroom mirror-check face and hair-that's it.  No glancing sideways at the pane glass windows while window shopping, again- EVER.  So the results are in....I may not be quite as large as Ruby, but I am pretty darn close.  *exhales*  Felt a little bummed out and disconcerted for a bit, but tried to shake it off.

To make matters worse, I have been craving, I mean mad craving sugar. Oh yes, it's nearing "that" time.  I did make a quick trip to the store and got some sugar free licorice and some jordan almonds.  On a positive note, I looked at all the chocolate, and it just didn't seem to be worth it.  I mean, the almonds seemed like they at least offer some nutrition, plus they have the shell that offers sweetness and crunch.  Rationalization I know, but I can honestly say that 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't have even thought about what I was throwing down my gullet.

So all in all not such a bad day.  Had plenty of water.  Luch and dinner were comprised of a dish I made with what is left in the cupboards.  Corkscrew pasta, corn,tuna,bacon and just enough mayo to bind it together.  Missed breakfast.... oh and I had 2 servings of the licorice and the small box of almonds. Ok, I'll admit it, the box was small, but they say it is 3 servings. Geez, who eats 1/3 of a box of theater type candy? The good  thing is we are going for groceries tomorrow, so I can stock up on good things, because oddly enough, I crave fruits and veggies.

I also continued my 15 minute Richard Simmons Dance a thon (sans glitter shorts!).  It was a hoot, especially when my Basset, Trixie wanted to join in.  Old girl has some big feet, but she sure can move.........She's a dancing,dancing dancing machine......RIP MJ

So far a real good day.

Got up- had a protien shake and some water.  Went outside took Trixie for a little walk, and then spent the afternoon lounging by my baby pool enjoyng a good suspense novel.  Had 2 more bottles of water as it was extremely hot here today.  Started feeling a bit woozy so I made another protien shake.  Since this powder is the type you make with water, it can be a bit blah.  Today I got a little creative.  I used 1 scoop of powder(70 calories),water and a bit of orange crystal lite.  Added a whole lot of ice and it was like a cross between an Orange Julius(are they still around??) and a cremescicle.  Pretty tasty. And bonus- I get another serving of water, some fiber and some protien for energy!

Lunch/Dinner- was a big assed turkey sandwich with munster cheese.  It was 5.99 at the grocery store, but oh my was it worth it.  I had it hours ago and still am not hungry.  Right now I am enjoying a small iced coffee that I made here at home.

I did turn on my CD player and danced in my living room for almost 20 minutes.  Kinda my own version of sweatin with the oldies.  I figure, I always loved to dance, so why not just throw the notion of "exercise" away, and shake away my booty the old fashioned way.  Eat your heart out Richard Simmons. (though, he really could rock the glitter shorts, couldn't he?)

So, I made it thru yesterday, and while I did have some dinner, I managed to stop eating out of anger.........

Today is a brand new day and a fresh start, the first day of the rest of our lives and all that...  Thank God we have choices.  Today I choose to do things that are good for me and to eat foods that make me feel healthy and alive.  Today I choose to get off the couch and make a move towards a healthier me.

*off to get protien shake* Cheers!

10 pm and I'm doing well.

Can of soup and some crackers for lunch,  6 inch Egg salad sandwich from wawa. (awesome)

Drank alot of water, spent the a few hours in the sun reading a book.  Did some gardening for excercise and then I parked in a far spot when going to pick up a movie.  I am going to use this method as a way to guarantee some steps in my day.  I figure if I don't realize I am excercising, I won't hate it ;)

Sat-the 4th of July: definately some fireworks of a different variety. 

He worked 7-3.  Comes home to say he has to go in an hour earlier tomorrow, but we will still watch fireworks, blah, blah, blah....  Till this point I am on track... drinking water, having a protien shake, just relaxing in the sun reading a book.  Sooo, I make dinner- kind of a mock chicken alfredo, except I had no chicken and I used tuna.  (FYI: when ever you use tuna and noodles together, regardless of the other ingredients, it tastes like tuna noodle casserole.)  Anyway- had a regular portion for dinner and 2 pcs of garlic toast.  So far so good.  We settle in and watch a movie.  When the movie is over I decide to run to block buster to trade in our movie for a different one.  It is now about 6:30 pm.  This whole trip will take about 30 minutes.   As I am leaving he tells me he is going to "lay down for a few minutes".  I so know where this is going.... he will be sleeping thru.  I fallen victim to the 10 hour nap too many times.  So, I try to ignore the gut instinct and keep thinking this time will be different.  I get my movie- and even picked up some butterfinger popscicles as a kinda desert/happy times treat.  I get home -he is snoring....I get on line and mess around, he wakes up....yeahhh!!!  *Shoe dropping*  he comes out all bleary eyed (a little exagerated....)and says- don't be mad at me *other shoe dropping*, "since I have to be up by 4 tomorrow, I am just going to go to bed. I say, I guess the fireworks are out then.  Him: ohhhh I forgot all about them, *dragging feet literally in an attempt to look more beaten and pathetic*  I guess I could get dressed and we'll go see them.  I'm thinking- won't that just be a grand time.  And in reality, he had a point.  So of course, I say don't worry about it, go back to bed.  I mean 4 am is early, and we are in our late forties, we're not kids who can deal with 3 hours of sleep.  Inside, I was feeling hurt. These situations always arise, and I have to be the one to "understand".  Well, last night I wanted someone to understand me for a change. So I step up to the rabbit hole *plunges in* and down I went. I figured if I am going to spend a holiday by myself watching a movie I am making a party out of it.  1 Bag micro popcorn-check, rest of dinner noodles-check, 1 butter finger popsicle- check, what the hell let's add another popsicle.  As I type this I can see that given what little I ate during the day, this probably wasn't sooo bad.  And on the plus side- if you want to call it that...is that I made a very conscious decision to have a binge.  Granted not a very wise decision, but a decision made by me none the less.  Soo off to bed- felt a little bloated, but also a little wiser. I know you can't stuff down emotions with food, but I still sometimes feel the need to try..... Also- note to self- always make back up plans........

Sunday- here's where it gets realllly bad...........

He is up at 4, and I hear him on the phone-"was it today or next Sunday you need me in at 4?  Ohh, next sunday- great..*hangs up..pads back to bed* Well. this lit my ass on fire.  I get up and start messing around the house.  Then I start reading my book, he gets up at 5:15, and acts like all is a no big deal.  How can men be soooo stupid.  I mean, just a dopey good morning- no sorry we missed the fireworks-or better yet, sorry I flaked on the fireworks at the last minute.... well, inside I am fuming.  He finally leaves at about 6:10.  Piss on it, I'm eating- yep, I sure did.  I ate the 2 remaining popsicles between 7 and 9 am.  Yep, gross I know.  It was almost like since I had such a sweet thought behind buying them, I damn sure wasn't sharing that thought with him, as that ship has sailed.  I then have 2 pcs of toast and a grilled cheese sandwich-just for good measure.  Well, now I feel like crap- I am sluggish from carb over load, and I recognize that WOW- I don't deal well with anger.  I grew up around alot of YELLING, and I always felt scared, so as a result, it is rare that I yell.  I realize that when I don't yell, again which is most times, I eat.  So right now, while I can still salvage the past 2 weeks, I am scrambling back up the rabbit hole onto solid ground.

Looking back, I can see that I over reacted, and eating is not the answer. I am actually looking into attending Overeater Anon. meetings.  I think I could really benefit from a sponsor/friend who has first hand experience with food issues. It certainly couldn't hurt

Friday night for me is typically movie night. Since BlockBuster was picked out, I ended up getting Confessions of a Shopoholic. I really couldn't help but notice the similarities between a shoppers high and a food addict's high. Or I guess any addicts addiction for that matter.  Feel blue? go get food/shoes, feel really happy while the food/shoes are in the bag for the drive home.  Feel giddy for the first bites/wear.  Feel guilty and sad when food is gone/shoes are worn.  Feel depressed when weight gain /debt appears. Repeat cycle while constantly denying there is an issue.  So, since we all seemingly have some sort of "addiction",(food,sex,shopping,drinking,gambling,being a pack rat....) I guess we are all more closely bound than I ever really dreamed.  (That thought will probably make me feel better,when my addiction is under control, and it isn't so obvious by my size, just what my addiction is.)

I spent about 30 minutes this morning doing some serious work in our now former "garden."  Not much grew there except weeds, so we decided to just cover it up.  I "hoed" the dirt and pulled weeds, put down plastic and covered it with mulch.  For some color, I may go get some potted plants/flowers and set them through- out.   No muss, no fuss I love it.  Since my arms, legs and butt hurt. I am counting this as excercise as well!  Bonus!!

Again, just another ordinary day here in the neighborhood.  Drank my water, got some excercise, and ate somewhere in the realm of a healthy amount of calories (not that I am really counting.) Breakfast 2 eggs, 1/2 portion on hashed browns, 2 pcs of toast light butter. (hey gardening was hard work!) Lunch- small portion of butter/garlic noodles with smoked sausage, really didn't have dinner per se.  Did some snacking during movie time. Has a serving of salt/pepper chips, 6 red vines and some trail mix. So not a stellar menu as such, I still feel OK with it.  I also can see a change in the way I think and react while snacking.  Like, instead of eating chips from the bag, I pour some in a bowl, and put the bag away.  Same with the red vines, I can demolish a box of red vines during a movie, as it stands I still have some left for tomorrow.  Wow, what a concept.

Since the major concept of my journey is being in control over food, I can honestly say, I finally feel like I have made 2 steps forward.  And as "they" say : A journey of 1000 miles, begins with but a single step.

Yesterday went pretty well.  I went to the store and replenished my water supply, so my water intake today was great.  Food intake not too bad.  Protien shake, 6 chicken nuggets- baked not from mickey d's and some chips, small serving of scalloped potatoes and ham.  I got in really late and was starving....that is always a pitfall for me.  I had some crackers and spinach dip and 1/2 a cheese sandwich, and seemes to be OK.  Then I was up really late watching Weeds and I got the mucnhies,( ironic, no?) so I had some left over mashed potatoes- (weird I know, but when you are scrounging the fridge, you takes what you can gets.)  I felt a little bad for a second, but I realized it wasn't so bad.  There really wasn't much left.  I hadn't eaten all that much given the length of time I was up and at 'em, and what's done is done.

I really want to get into a natural routine of eating small "meals" every couple of hours.  It really does help keep a growling stomach in check. 

Lesson- when you anticipate getting stuck in traffic, keep trail mix or protien bars handy to fend off that "starving" sensation.

Today was definately better than yesterday.  2 protien shakes, turkey sandwich, serving of tostitos with some dip.  Having some hamburger helper when the man gets home.  He went back to 3-11 shift and it actually helps me out.  I don't feel the constant need to have meals ready.

I ran out of bottled water so my water intake was really low today.  We have well water so, our tap water is a little funky.  The lab finally left me a check, so after the bank tomorrow, hello Target's bottled water section.

Not much else, just delighted that I am back on track, so to speak.

I did Ok until about 9 oclock.  My boyfriend is going back to his original shift, and he was very happy about it.  He wants to"celebrate".  He goes to the store, comes back with pizza and cosmo mix.  I had 3 pcs of pizza and a small cosmo. Ughhhh!  Why do our celebrations always include food, and why didn't I just say no, or only have 1 piece.  I wasn't really hungry.  Now I feel like crap, he's asleep and I feel like crying.  Oh well, not much I can do, but pick up the pieces and have a better tomorrow.

Pretty basic day.  Got up at 8:30 had a small bowl of cereal, a bottle of water.  Called the agency and there was no work available.  Decided to get out of the house and ran some errands.  By 10:30 it was steaming hot, so I popped in a disc of Brothers and Sisters.  (my new guilty pleasure, and Rob Lowe is still HOT!), about 11:50  I finished the little bit of Tuna casserole and had some more water.  Sat out in the sun and read a book until about 1:30 and had another bottle of water.  After melting like a popsicle, I came inside and watched more B&S. I did get a call from my "contract" company, they had a  little  work for me today. 

The big challenge today was trying to make something for supper.  Right now, the contract company has been stalling my last payment, things are pretty tight financially and the cupboards are pretty bare.  So, I did what I do best, I improvised.  I just started throwing things in the crock pot.  Used a couple of hamburger patties, green peas, can of cream of mushroom soup,rice and a bit of milk.  Left it all simmer.  At about 3:30 I had a small bowl to see if it was at least edible.  Well, it was edible, but it looked like some kind of gruel, that would have done Oliver Twist proud.  About 5:30 had another small serving of gruel (sp??) with the BF for dinner.  About 6 it hits me hard, I am having a major sugar jones.  I tried to make an iced coffee, but I have no sweetener or flavored coffee creamer, so it was just coffe, milk and ice.  About 2 sips in, I new it wasn't doing the trick, and I ended up tossing it.  I really hate wasting good milk :( 

Around 8 oclock I am ready to fufill my work obligations, and pick up another B&S disc.  I go to the hospital, get the specimans and take them to the lab for processing.  On the way, I pass a Mickey D's and decide to stop for an iced mocha.  I have never had one from there before, so I am not sure what to expect.  I go for a medium (old habit, always order large....) with non fat milk.  Thinking I am trying to keep this somewhat in the good for me range.  Well, they hand it to me, it had whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top.  I stick my straw into the coffe part, take a sip and BLECH!!  It was terrible.  The worst part, I pissed away 3 and 15 cents on something so awful, when I don't have alot of disposable income right now.  I couldn't bear to just pitch it. Yep, I am a full blown (no pun intended) member of the clean plate club circa 1972.  So I drank the liquid and left the whipped cream and sauce lay on the ice.

So, here I am at 11 oclock wide awake, still needing a sugar fix.  Gotta admit, I tried to be strong and ignore it, but I couldn't.  I just had a very small serving of sugar free butter pecan ice cream.  You know what?  I think it did the trick.  While I wish I could say that I just told the craving to go to hell, I realize that I have been pouring sugar into my system for a long time and cravings are probably going to hit me hard and fast, deal with 'em.  Even though I feel a little down with todays outcome, I do see several positives. Ice cream is one of my most favorite "comfort" foods in the whole wide world.  To only have a small serving is awesome for me.  Actually, it's monumental.  So, yippee for  me, learning portion control  and knowing that I don't need to Super Size everything from a drive thru window.

Summary:

Water intake- up. Several small meals-intact.  Moderation-yeah, pretty much.  All in all, not such a bad day.

Everytime I have been succesful at weight loss I have had 1 day that I just didn't worry about anything health/diet related.   I don't piss all my progress away, I just reallllly relax. This premise has served me well in the past, so it is definately something I am keeping as part of my life long journey. 

Sundays around here are typically a big breakfast and a decent dinner.  today was no exception.  I made bacon, eggs, toast, scrapple(yick),and hashed browns. It was delightful, except for the scrapple which I won't go NEAR.  Hey even a fat girl has standards!  I did once again pay attention  to how I cooked things and tried to semi-limit portions and not slather butter on every dry surface. Basically, I just tried to not stuff my self silly.  Really, it's not that hard as long as you pay attention.  Dinner was baked chicken, dumplings and mixed veggies.  Again, I just had to pay attention during preperation.   Generally, I use a can of cream of chicken soup as a base to simmer the dumplings.  Today, I used a can of chicken broth that had 5 calories a serving and the dumplings were rather tasty.  Also, no butter on the veggies.  I am recognizing that natural foods can be tasty on there own, so I need to stop and think before I grab the butter/salt .The lesson I have learned this week, I really eat quite mindlessly.

My one real splurge today has been a vodka and OJ, which I am enjoying now.  I have always known that alcohol is void of any nutritional value. Today is my one indulgence.  I really am not a big drinker. When I do drink it tends to be something strong and fruity- mango martinis, cosmos and the likes.   The mixers for these are loaded with sugar, so the switch to OJ, while still caloric, seems to at least offer something in the realm of nutrition.  (I know, I am definately reaching....)

I have had only 2 bottles of water today and hope to have at least 1 more before bed.  Since, Sunday is also movie night, I am not even thinking of exercising.  Though maybe I should try it tipsy!  SO all in all it has been a pretty good week. I have learned some things about myself, and I am paying attention to what I have to say.  Oh, and my jeans fit a little better!!

Goal for next week- some form of excersise at leat 3 days/20 minutes.  Small-realistic-doable.

Today I had to get up early to take the BF to drop his car off at the garage.  When we got back, I had to prepare for my day of sign holding in the sun. I had a protien shake to get my system revved up and a little coffee.  Made sure I packed my self plenty of water and some protien, definately learned my lesson yesterday!

I did spend my morning thinking positive thoughts and being grateful, because previously I had been very uneasy accepting this assignment.  It's so funny, because today turned into a great day in the sun and it actually might have been the easiest money I have made.  I also faced down my fears of standing out in the open where everyone driving past the mall can see.  (well, I really had no choice, but I must say I did handle myself with dignity- if I do say so myself..)  I even had my 1/2 a turkey sandwich - at the mid point of my 6 hours.  I gotta say, standing out in the open, eating took everything I had.  See, I have this "thing", about eating in front of people.  (Most fat people do)  I know it's kinda crazy, because I know when people look at me, they know that I eat. But for some reason I still feel the need to be hidden so to speak.  I mean, I don't really have a problem when we go to a resturant. I do suffer a bit during that long walk across the joint until I get seated, but I just stay focused on the floor. Hey, that's a whole other issue.

So  all in all in was a great day.  I haven't excercised much the past few days, but on the plus side I did drink a boatload of water.   And, I got a tan!

I have heard over the years that you have to do something for 2 weeks for it to become a habit.  I now have 5 consecutive days of blogging, and therefore 5 consecutive days of lesson learning and healthier eating.

When I started this journey, I had no idea it would be so helpful.  I decided right out of the gate to be 100 % honest each time I posted.  I initially only posted for myself, but  knew that being a public forum, there is always a chance that others will read. (given my trust and vunerability issues, posting daily and HONESTLY is, well, frankly amazing to me.)  Knowing that I was going to post in here for all who care to see, really helps me think before I just shovel something in my mouth out of anger, boredom and god knows whatever other reasons push me to be an emotional eater.  I mean, do I really want to type, I ate a dozen cookies because the neighbor hurt my feelings? Granted, if it happens I will be honest and put it out there, but as of now I have really benn able to use this blog as a tool to help me stop and think (most times) before I react.

I realize that I can still decide to eat the cookies after I have addressed the anger.  But, at least I made an informed decision.  Words can not express what a powerful feeling it is for me to be this in control over something that has plaqued me since the third grade.  Thank you to everyone who reads and comments.  Your support was completely unexpected, but so very welcomed. Again, there are no words to express how much your encouragement has helped and sustains me. .

I had initially typed everything out a bit earlier, but we had a huge thunderstorm that knocked me off line and my previous outpouring was lost.  To sum it all up, I worked outside (temping)  as a sign holder announcing a huge sale at the mall. (You've seen 'em,)  It was 92 degrees with a feel like temp of 102 according to  the weather reports.  Honestly it felt like 1000.  I didn't eat enough before hand, and felt a bit woozy.  I did have alot of water there, so eventually I settled in and just did what I love to do....people watch.  Got home about 8:30 and was STARVING, but decided to have some juice so I could replenish all the "stuff" I sweated out.  In doing so, it actually gave me time to chill, and think rationally before I just started plowing thru the fridge.  I also realized that I wasn't nearly as hungry.  HUH... So I had a bit to eat, and am now winding down.  Need to power up for another day of sign holding!  Hey, it's an honest way to earn a buck.

Thanks again for reading.

Today has been a day of fighting to stay up, when circumstances want to push me down.

I was not really hungry at all this morning, but after a small slip late last night (I was up late and I was suddenly wide awake and hungry, so I ate some leftover pasta salad...) I realized that I need to have enough protien over the course of the day to stave off the late night hungries.  Looking back, I should have made a protien shake, but again, hindsight is 20/20.  Anywho, I made a protien shake with water this morning and 4 hours later I was still not hungry, so I just had another protien shake but used milk in it to boost it's all around nutrional value. 

My job has been a source of stress lately, since it has slowed down quite a bit and the lulls in cash flow are becoming longer.  I am a contract worker, and my job is very flexible even when busy, so I am also signed up to do temp work.  Well over the course of 2 months I have had 8 days of work thru the temp agencies.  Yes they are that slow.  Well the current lull at my "real" job had me concerned, I am now fighting full blown panic.  I called today instead of just obesessing all day and letting my imagination run away with me.  (Have they decided to use someone else and not tell me?  Are my costs too high, so they are keeping work in house, do they think I'm too fat?-yeah I can go there!!)  On the plus side, I normally turn to candy bars and pastries when I am in full bown obsession.  This time however, I stared straight at my fears and picked up the flippin phone and just asked them. Yeah me for a victory... It was nowhere near the answer I expected and it certainly wasn't the answer I wanted, but I found out that no the whole world does not revolve around me, and the lull in business is serious and if the company which is very small, is in danger of loosing its biggest client to a larger lab that can process items at a lower cost.  Granted not as fast, but apparently that doesn't matter.  So victory number 2 comes from the fact that made the call and when I got the wind knocked out of me, I just took a few deep breaths a realized that until anything actually happens, I worry in vain. well, and I didn't grab the cookies! 

Well, at this point it is fairly late in the afternoon , like 3ish, and my friend calls.  We talk for along time and by this time the man comes home.  Well, I haven't started dinner and I was craving a certain salad that they have at Dennys.  It is salad greens with blue cheese crumbles and steak pieces.  It is majorly awesome.  I figure at this point my whole eating every 3/4 hours is shot, and I really don't feel like cooking the planned tuna noodle casserole in 95 degree heat.  So he agrees and we go to Dennys. 

On our way there, I hear that Michale Jackson has died.  I am not sure why but this has really kinda bummed me out.  Say what you will about him, but the man had some great music.

We arrive, and my mood is wobbly.  I don't know how else to describe it.  So I order my salad with dressing on the side.  Used very little of the dressing, as the salad is so good it doesn't need it.  I also passed on the second slice of bread.  I realized as I was sitting there, that even though I may not be operating at 100% enthusiasm, it didn't mean I had to blow 3 good days out of the water. So I am claiming victory for the usage of minimal salad dressing and the leftover bread.  I did however order a strawberry sundae.  I can say that after 3 days of no sweets it really was just OK.  On the plus side I did drink alot of water today, and I walked a bit outside .

All in all the day wasn't a total loss, it just didn't go as I had planned.  In the vein of treating myself as I would treat a friend: I am telling myself.... Sure, you could have done better, hell we can always do better.  But also, you could have done a whole lot worse, and you didn't so take pride in your victories and all the negative crap can just BEAT IT! (RIP- Michael.)

Today I'm feeling a little sluggish and really tired.  Felt a little bored late last night, but I recognized the boredom so I made a concious decision to not eat.  I am realizing that so often, for a variety of reasons, I just grab stuff to eat and usually not healthy stuff.

Right now I am just feeling a little overwhelmed and trying not to think of my overall goal.  It's harder than it seems.  I am not wired to see small successes, but I am striving to change that.

I haven't really felt all that hungry today, but I am trying to eat something every 3 hours or so.  Small bowl of Special K, protien shake, 1/2 a sandwich, a serving of wheat thins so far.  I did have some water and rode an excercise bike for 10 minutes. (I probably could have went a little longer, but my butt and the bicycle seat just were not on friendly terms. I realize that over the last 3 decades I have been inundated with diet tips and magical weight loss secrets.  All  this information has been whirling in my brain so I am taking the next few days to manuever all the info around and see what works best for me.  So far I am going with the eat something small every 3-4 hours and break excercise into 3 10 minute sessions.  I need a little help incorporating  more water into my day.  My goal is to try and be down to 1 diet soda a day in 30 days.  Yikes!

So the plan for the rest of the evening- try and get in one more excercise session and to drink somemore water.  As I type this, it really sounds so simple, but my legs feel like lead and I just feel like being a lump on the couch. Geez, why can't I just be an athlete with the metabolism of a hummingbird?

PM update-  I made some chicken, garlic and herb noodles, and mixed veggies for dinner. I have not yet made the decision to eat  only foods  prepped in a healthy manner.  I have however  put more effort into trying to make foods a bit healthier than I have in the past. I started paying attention to how much butter I use while cooking, using 2% milk, stuff like that.  Again, I am going with small steps that I can continue for the rest of my life.  The other thing I did tonight was to pay attention to how much I was heaping on my plate.  Since I associate cooking and feeding people as being part of loving and nuturing, I tend to cook wayyy to much and use way too much butter and cream.  Thusly, we eat more.  Now my boyfriend is not by anymeans fat, but he has over the past year put on a belly.  I never say anything to him about it, because 1- I am the last person to talk, and 2- I know that it really bothers him. 3- he looks better with a little meat on him, but I realize belly fat is dangerous stuff.  Anyway, tonight instead of making 2 boxes of noodles I only made 1.  Then I loaded my plate with chicken and veggies first and then used what was left on my plate for noodles.  When we were finished my bf asked me if there was any noodles left and I said nope-all gone, and that was that. Normally, I would have felt bad, but I realize that by overfeeding him, I am not doing him any favors.  So ultimately, he is eating a little healthier and he doesn't even know it!

 I still am feeling really tired. I laid down to take a quick nap at about 6:45, when I woke up 2 hours had past. As a result,I did not get anymore excercise in, but I am having a bit more water and having a snack of frozen fruit.  I am finding that if I eat the frozen food that comes in a bag, it seems like I am eating candy-yipee!  Emotionally, I am tempted to feel like a looser for not getting more excercise in, but I am not allowing myself to fall down that particular rabbit hole.  Maybe, I need to just spend the first week or 10 days getting used to eating less before I try and incorporate anymore excercise.  Again, emotionally I am tempted to want to belittle myself, and feel like I am failing.  But with 3 days in, I know I am on to something and I will not let my negative self talk get the best of me!  I am treating myself as the friend I know I am -  Loyal,loving and persistant!